Measureable Success

We talk about success at work, and how it can be measured. It's not enough to say you're good at something or you've improved at something if you can't measure it.

I was able to measure my journey to overcome this phobia today.

Every time I walk past the traps at work I look in. This morning I was the first person to be in the back area at work, and I noticed one of the traps had moved somewhat. I peered in and discovered a little mouse. I didn't freak out. My heart didn't explode out of my chest. I wasn't dizzy. I was OK. In fact, I felt bad.

I waited until Derek arrived at work and I asked him to confirm what I was sure I saw. He took a look and, sure enough, a mouse had been trapped. He then checked another trap and found a second mouse. And guess what? I'm OK. I feel really bad for these two little souls. How freaking weird is that??

I am OK.
I will continue to be OK.

Graduation

Today my "baby" graduated middle school, and two days ago when I saw Megan she essentially "graduated" me from my sessions. She said that, because my next step is step 10, I probably don't need to see her any more. We both agreed that I'd keep her on speed dial, just in case.

My plan is to spend the next month or two watching more videos and visiting the pet stores and looking through the glass. When I'm completely anxiety free (and I'd say I'm about 80% anxiety free at this point) I'll find someone who will let me hold a mouse or rat and I'll do one final session with Megan to share my progress.

I'm so happy with where things are. Last week as I was going to my car I saw a little dead shrew, and normally I'd have been scared to see it AND upset that one was in my neighbourhood. I was ok. Michelle then confessed that Princess, our neighbourhood cat, buried three other shrews near our car since we've been in this house. I was ok. :)

Today, I read a post on Facebook from a friend who talked about her spider phobia. I've shared Megan's info with her, and I'm excited to  hear about her progress, too. :)

Pet Store Time

So I have been watching videos like a boss, and the family was out running errands and Michelle suggested, as she usually does, that we go into the pet store. While I was there I was thinking that I might walk over by the mice, and as I was thinking it Michelle asked if I thought I was ready. I guess that could be seen as a sign. I went over, and I saw a white rat or mouse, I'm not sure. White is my least favorite, so I'm glad I saw it. A few days later we were at the mall and I went in the pet store and saw mice. I was ok. I was right up at the glass, and I even snapped a few pictures. I think that's considered steps 7, 8 and 9. :)

Next up, as we all know, is holding a mouse or rat. Crazy.

Creepy Little Friggers

So it's been two months since I've posted last. I'm still at the stage where I'm watching videos. I was doing okay; I was watching videos of Stuart and Matilda and some of the videos were actually cute. Then I watched a video in which I witnessed a mouse hanging by it's tail, and in another scene, jumping. OK. I didn't know these things were possible. It was one of the scariest things I've ever seen.

On Monday I went back to see Megan. She asked about my progress, and I told her that I was stuck since watching the scary video. She asked if I'd ever heard a song that made me cry. I had. She asked what happens if I was to listen to that same song over and over again. Eventually, I said, I'd become desensitized to it and it just wouldn't affect me anymore. Okay, I know where she's going with this. So I said, "I need to watch it again, don't I?" Of course the answer was yes.

We tried to find the video in her office, but I couldn't remember what it was called. Last night I found it, and Michelle and I watched it together. It sucked. Then we watched a second video which sucked even more. In the second video, a new mouse was introduced to Matilda and Stuart. His name is Quasimodo, and he is an old, unattractive mouse who wasn't hand raised like the other two, so he's a little rough around the edges. There was a fair amount of mouse squeaking in this video, too, which I didn't like. ANDDD, at one point, Stuart was climbing on his mom's bare feet! *shudder*

So now I know what I need to do. Three videos a day. The creepy hanging/jumping one, the even creepier Quasimodo one, and a third of my choosing.

Just in case you're interested, here are the videos that suck:

This sucks.

Revelations, and a smile

So I'm at the point in my therapy where I'm to watch videos of mice and rats. Again, I'm not supposed to be watching videos which sensationalize the fear factor, nor should I be watching videos of mass amounts of mice and rats. I did a quick YouTube search and I decided I was better off watching videos that came up in a search for "pet mouse" because they were more likely to not be seen scurrying around and hiding like the little creeps that they are.

I saw some interesting videos. I set a goal to watch 2-4 videos a day, and that's what I've been doing. So, my revelation: I don't hate all parts of the mouse or rat. I only hate their tails, their feet, their eyes, their snouts, their whiskers, their arms and legs, and their faces. Their bodies (minus all of the stuff I listed), and their ears are okay.

I am able to watch videos now without a whole lot of anxiety. When I first started watching them I was very anxious, but now it is okay for the most part. I found a YouTuber named CreekValleyCritters, and their videos are very well done. They are so well done, in fact, that I actually smiled at one point. CreekValleyCritters has a mouse named Stuart, and Stuart got a little sister named Matilda. When I was watching Stuart with his bald tiny baby sister Matilda I actually smiled. Unbelievable. I've posted it here for you to see:

After watching a few videos I felt a little brave and started clicking on YouTube's suggestions instead of my safe(r) "pet mouse" finds. I found a video of a mama mouse relocating her tiny babies. It scared the crap out of me because this was a pest mouse, not a pet mouse. She was scurrying. I hate scurrying. I felt so anxious, chest pounding anxious, and I turned the video off and looked up at the TV. There happened to be a rat on the TV at that very moment, and my partner Michelle who usually shelters me from such things isn't sheltering me now because I'm working on overcoming this phobia, so I saw it. Now I'm done for the next few days. I feel like I need some recovery time. ;)

Still at it!

So after seeing the words "mouse, mice, rat, rats" I started saying the words. It wasn't so bad, actually. I think it was more of an adjustment for those around me who were so used avoiding any such words. One of my coworkers actually said it freaked him out to hear me saying "mouse"!

My friend Mady asked me when, if ever, I would be at the point where I could actually hear a story about mice or rats. I said that then was as good a time as any. He then proceeded to tell me about two mice that were caught at his house this year (a house where I had spent some time as recently as October). His story was about 20 minutes long, and we both noticed that my feet didn't leave the ground once. They always would before. :) He told me about one mouse who was caught in a trap and died and another that was caught but didn't die instantly, rather it died later. It was the first time, in my entire life, that I actually felt compassion for a mouse. I really felt somewhat sad that this mouse didn't die immediately.

After saying the words I moved on to seeing pictures of mice. I started with cartoon images, but now I'm looking at pictures of the real thing. I discovered that seeing the words in any location and in any form didn't cause any anxiety after the initial bit, but getting used to one image of a mouse didn't necessarily mean the next image would be no big deal. Once I realized that I started to change my phone's wallpaper more often. Let me show you my phone's wallpaper today!

I met with Megan yesterday and she was thrilled with how things were progressing. I showed her my iPhone's wallpaper and she was really happy with me. In fact, she said she needed to get some star stickers for her "superstar patients" like me! I felt quite proud, I must say.

Megan asked me if holding a mouse still felt like a 10 on the level of anxiety scale, and I said that it honestly felt more like a 6 now. She also asked if, when Ido feel anxious, it takes less time for the anxiety to go away. I said that when the mouse was first in my coworker Ewen's desk drawer that day I was literally still feeling chest pain 13 hours later. Recently I changed the picture on my phone's wallpaper from one mouse to another and I did feel anxious, but I honestly think I'm being generous when I say it lasted maybe 30 seconds. Now that's progress!

My friend told me today that there are signs at work that the mouse or mice are back. For a while there hadn't been any signs, but today there seems to be fresh mouse shit. I'm ok. Literally. I didn't go back to that area of the building, but it wasn't because I was avoiding it. I would have been okay to go, honestly.

So what's next for me? Seeing videos. Megan made a few suggestions. She doesn't want me to watch mass mice or rats, just watch a video with one. She doesn't want me to watch anything like Fear Factor which would sensationalize it. She suggested that when I was ready to watch mass rodents I could YouTube a video of a temple in India in which rats are worshiped. Michelle, my partner who has no phobias, watched it today and said she found it a little disturbing because it's just not something we're used to seeing. She thought it was pretty neat, though.

My next appointment with Megan isn't for a month. She is very pleased with how quickly I'm progressing. Go me!

Progresssion

Step One has continued to go well. I found that it didn't take long at all before I stopped feeling any anxiety in regards to seeing the words "Mouse, Mice, Rat" on my iphone. I decided to step things up a bit by asking Kamryn to put signs around the house with the words that used to be banned from our home. Now when I open my pantry I see "Rats" and in the bathroom I see "Mice", and even right beside my bed on the wall I see "Mouse".

My daughter had a blast doing this, because for so long she and the rest of my family have also avoided the words for me. Again, it didn't take long before these signs were a non-issue, so people have started to drop the words when talking or texting me. Sometimes I feel a bit anxious, but for the most part it's ok. Perfectly ok. I can totally do this. :)

It was then time to move on to Step Two. I have been saying "mouse, mice, rat and rats" as much as I can. A friend commented that it actually freaked him out to hear me say it! I thought that was pretty funny.

I will probably keep at this step for another few days before moving on to the next one, which will be looking at pictures (cartoon or drawings). I feel as though I'd like to start that now, but because I still have a bit of reaction every once in a while to hearing the word rat randomly, I may wait just a few days.

I'm anxious to get this all behind me. :)