Measureable Success

We talk about success at work, and how it can be measured. It's not enough to say you're good at something or you've improved at something if you can't measure it.

I was able to measure my journey to overcome this phobia today.

Every time I walk past the traps at work I look in. This morning I was the first person to be in the back area at work, and I noticed one of the traps had moved somewhat. I peered in and discovered a little mouse. I didn't freak out. My heart didn't explode out of my chest. I wasn't dizzy. I was OK. In fact, I felt bad.

I waited until Derek arrived at work and I asked him to confirm what I was sure I saw. He took a look and, sure enough, a mouse had been trapped. He then checked another trap and found a second mouse. And guess what? I'm OK. I feel really bad for these two little souls. How freaking weird is that??

I am OK.
I will continue to be OK.

Graduation

Today my "baby" graduated middle school, and two days ago when I saw Megan she essentially "graduated" me from my sessions. She said that, because my next step is step 10, I probably don't need to see her any more. We both agreed that I'd keep her on speed dial, just in case.

My plan is to spend the next month or two watching more videos and visiting the pet stores and looking through the glass. When I'm completely anxiety free (and I'd say I'm about 80% anxiety free at this point) I'll find someone who will let me hold a mouse or rat and I'll do one final session with Megan to share my progress.

I'm so happy with where things are. Last week as I was going to my car I saw a little dead shrew, and normally I'd have been scared to see it AND upset that one was in my neighbourhood. I was ok. Michelle then confessed that Princess, our neighbourhood cat, buried three other shrews near our car since we've been in this house. I was ok. :)

Today, I read a post on Facebook from a friend who talked about her spider phobia. I've shared Megan's info with her, and I'm excited to  hear about her progress, too. :)

Pet Store Time

So I have been watching videos like a boss, and the family was out running errands and Michelle suggested, as she usually does, that we go into the pet store. While I was there I was thinking that I might walk over by the mice, and as I was thinking it Michelle asked if I thought I was ready. I guess that could be seen as a sign. I went over, and I saw a white rat or mouse, I'm not sure. White is my least favorite, so I'm glad I saw it. A few days later we were at the mall and I went in the pet store and saw mice. I was ok. I was right up at the glass, and I even snapped a few pictures. I think that's considered steps 7, 8 and 9. :)

Next up, as we all know, is holding a mouse or rat. Crazy.

Creepy Little Friggers

So it's been two months since I've posted last. I'm still at the stage where I'm watching videos. I was doing okay; I was watching videos of Stuart and Matilda and some of the videos were actually cute. Then I watched a video in which I witnessed a mouse hanging by it's tail, and in another scene, jumping. OK. I didn't know these things were possible. It was one of the scariest things I've ever seen.

On Monday I went back to see Megan. She asked about my progress, and I told her that I was stuck since watching the scary video. She asked if I'd ever heard a song that made me cry. I had. She asked what happens if I was to listen to that same song over and over again. Eventually, I said, I'd become desensitized to it and it just wouldn't affect me anymore. Okay, I know where she's going with this. So I said, "I need to watch it again, don't I?" Of course the answer was yes.

We tried to find the video in her office, but I couldn't remember what it was called. Last night I found it, and Michelle and I watched it together. It sucked. Then we watched a second video which sucked even more. In the second video, a new mouse was introduced to Matilda and Stuart. His name is Quasimodo, and he is an old, unattractive mouse who wasn't hand raised like the other two, so he's a little rough around the edges. There was a fair amount of mouse squeaking in this video, too, which I didn't like. ANDDD, at one point, Stuart was climbing on his mom's bare feet! *shudder*

So now I know what I need to do. Three videos a day. The creepy hanging/jumping one, the even creepier Quasimodo one, and a third of my choosing.

Just in case you're interested, here are the videos that suck:

This sucks.

Revelations, and a smile

So I'm at the point in my therapy where I'm to watch videos of mice and rats. Again, I'm not supposed to be watching videos which sensationalize the fear factor, nor should I be watching videos of mass amounts of mice and rats. I did a quick YouTube search and I decided I was better off watching videos that came up in a search for "pet mouse" because they were more likely to not be seen scurrying around and hiding like the little creeps that they are.

I saw some interesting videos. I set a goal to watch 2-4 videos a day, and that's what I've been doing. So, my revelation: I don't hate all parts of the mouse or rat. I only hate their tails, their feet, their eyes, their snouts, their whiskers, their arms and legs, and their faces. Their bodies (minus all of the stuff I listed), and their ears are okay.

I am able to watch videos now without a whole lot of anxiety. When I first started watching them I was very anxious, but now it is okay for the most part. I found a YouTuber named CreekValleyCritters, and their videos are very well done. They are so well done, in fact, that I actually smiled at one point. CreekValleyCritters has a mouse named Stuart, and Stuart got a little sister named Matilda. When I was watching Stuart with his bald tiny baby sister Matilda I actually smiled. Unbelievable. I've posted it here for you to see:

After watching a few videos I felt a little brave and started clicking on YouTube's suggestions instead of my safe(r) "pet mouse" finds. I found a video of a mama mouse relocating her tiny babies. It scared the crap out of me because this was a pest mouse, not a pet mouse. She was scurrying. I hate scurrying. I felt so anxious, chest pounding anxious, and I turned the video off and looked up at the TV. There happened to be a rat on the TV at that very moment, and my partner Michelle who usually shelters me from such things isn't sheltering me now because I'm working on overcoming this phobia, so I saw it. Now I'm done for the next few days. I feel like I need some recovery time. ;)

Still at it!

So after seeing the words "mouse, mice, rat, rats" I started saying the words. It wasn't so bad, actually. I think it was more of an adjustment for those around me who were so used avoiding any such words. One of my coworkers actually said it freaked him out to hear me saying "mouse"!

My friend Mady asked me when, if ever, I would be at the point where I could actually hear a story about mice or rats. I said that then was as good a time as any. He then proceeded to tell me about two mice that were caught at his house this year (a house where I had spent some time as recently as October). His story was about 20 minutes long, and we both noticed that my feet didn't leave the ground once. They always would before. :) He told me about one mouse who was caught in a trap and died and another that was caught but didn't die instantly, rather it died later. It was the first time, in my entire life, that I actually felt compassion for a mouse. I really felt somewhat sad that this mouse didn't die immediately.

After saying the words I moved on to seeing pictures of mice. I started with cartoon images, but now I'm looking at pictures of the real thing. I discovered that seeing the words in any location and in any form didn't cause any anxiety after the initial bit, but getting used to one image of a mouse didn't necessarily mean the next image would be no big deal. Once I realized that I started to change my phone's wallpaper more often. Let me show you my phone's wallpaper today!

I met with Megan yesterday and she was thrilled with how things were progressing. I showed her my iPhone's wallpaper and she was really happy with me. In fact, she said she needed to get some star stickers for her "superstar patients" like me! I felt quite proud, I must say.

Megan asked me if holding a mouse still felt like a 10 on the level of anxiety scale, and I said that it honestly felt more like a 6 now. She also asked if, when Ido feel anxious, it takes less time for the anxiety to go away. I said that when the mouse was first in my coworker Ewen's desk drawer that day I was literally still feeling chest pain 13 hours later. Recently I changed the picture on my phone's wallpaper from one mouse to another and I did feel anxious, but I honestly think I'm being generous when I say it lasted maybe 30 seconds. Now that's progress!

My friend told me today that there are signs at work that the mouse or mice are back. For a while there hadn't been any signs, but today there seems to be fresh mouse shit. I'm ok. Literally. I didn't go back to that area of the building, but it wasn't because I was avoiding it. I would have been okay to go, honestly.

So what's next for me? Seeing videos. Megan made a few suggestions. She doesn't want me to watch mass mice or rats, just watch a video with one. She doesn't want me to watch anything like Fear Factor which would sensationalize it. She suggested that when I was ready to watch mass rodents I could YouTube a video of a temple in India in which rats are worshiped. Michelle, my partner who has no phobias, watched it today and said she found it a little disturbing because it's just not something we're used to seeing. She thought it was pretty neat, though.

My next appointment with Megan isn't for a month. She is very pleased with how quickly I'm progressing. Go me!

Progresssion

Step One has continued to go well. I found that it didn't take long at all before I stopped feeling any anxiety in regards to seeing the words "Mouse, Mice, Rat" on my iphone. I decided to step things up a bit by asking Kamryn to put signs around the house with the words that used to be banned from our home. Now when I open my pantry I see "Rats" and in the bathroom I see "Mice", and even right beside my bed on the wall I see "Mouse".

My daughter had a blast doing this, because for so long she and the rest of my family have also avoided the words for me. Again, it didn't take long before these signs were a non-issue, so people have started to drop the words when talking or texting me. Sometimes I feel a bit anxious, but for the most part it's ok. Perfectly ok. I can totally do this. :)

It was then time to move on to Step Two. I have been saying "mouse, mice, rat and rats" as much as I can. A friend commented that it actually freaked him out to hear me say it! I thought that was pretty funny.

I will probably keep at this step for another few days before moving on to the next one, which will be looking at pictures (cartoon or drawings). I feel as though I'd like to start that now, but because I still have a bit of reaction every once in a while to hearing the word rat randomly, I may wait just a few days.

I'm anxious to get this all behind me. :)

Mouses and Mices and Rats, Oh my!

Mouse.
Mice.
Rat.
Rats.
Holyshitohmygod.

Today I had my second visit with my psychologist, Megan. We talked about some issues I had encountered since my first/last visit. I told her about all the issues that happened at work since we last talked; the day I felt "trapped" in a room with the traps, the rodent who got in the desk and ate ketchup, and the rodent who got in the desk and ate the Halls and a tshirt. I told her that an exterminator came today and laid traps in our area, and I told her how there is no plan for him to come back to check the traps.

We focused on one of those situations; and I chose the one in which I went into the HR area and saw the three traps and I didn't know how I was going to make it out of the room. We went through my thought process:

• Why did I come in here when I could have gone to another floor instead?
• How am I going to get out of here?
• I don't think I can get out.
• There could be rodents in the traps which are right at my feet, mere inches from me.
• I don't know if I can do this.

We talked about the emotions I felt: Fear, anxiety, helpless, despair.

The general theme was: I am not in control. I am helpless.

Keeping my distance

It's been almost a week since I last posted. I have been lucky enough to be able to keep my distance from the office area where all of the sightings have been at work. This means I don't have to work where I'm most uncomfortable (for now), but the crappy part is that by keeping my distance from that area I'm sitting by myself instead of with my friends/coworkers. Some people have been good at stopping by to visit, and they even try to remember to invite me on the Timmie's runs. :)

Yesterday a coworker came to me to say that there are still some issues in our area. Last week, as I blogged earlier, a rodent ate through ketchup in a coworker's desk drawer and the entire desk had to be cleaned out. Since then the same coworker had a package of Halls in his desk which was destroyed over the weekend. There was also a t-shirt that was eaten through, which I'm told means they are likely to be building a nest. :( That creeps me out because I obviously don't want them making babies and multiplying at work!

The coworker with the desk issue is now trying to trap them himself. He's leaving bait and traps in his desk, and I'm scared it's just going to encourage the rodents to keep coming around.

Other than these incidents it's been pretty status quo. I stay away from the bad area, but I try to spend a little time each day on the ground floor in the less-bad area especially if I have a friend who's willing to hang out with me, and luckily there's always someone up to the task. I feel as though, since deciding to tackle this issue, I seem less scared than I was, but only when I'm not at risk of an encounter. When I'm at risk of an encounter I have a lot of anxiety. I can't tell you if it's better or worse than before because outside of work I haven't had a perceived "real" risk of encountering them in quite some time.

Tomorrow I go for my second appointment with Megan. I'm excited. :) I think tomorrow we start step one.

Just another day at the office

It's getting more and more difficult to do my job. I hate this.

Today started out well. I got to work just before 10, and I had some stuff to do that would be rather enjoyable. All self-paced stuff that I needed to catch up on. I had a few accounts I had to access for follow-ups, then I had three conference calls that I missed and I was going to listen to the recordings. Today was also my Boss's first day back after the holidays so he'd be in as well.

I finished my account work first, then listened to one of the calls and I started the second. I literally had 2 or 3 minutes left of the second one when my boss stopped by my desk to say I could leave at 4:00. Awesome. We put in so much extra time unpaid so every now and again we get sent home early. At this point it was around 3:10.

As he's standing at my desk, a coworker came over and suggested I not go to another coworker's desk. I immediately felt scared and panicked. My boss walked over to the other desk and was there for about 5 minutes. It's literally two desks away so I could normally hear the conversation, but I was having a tough time because my heart was pounding so loud in my ears. I did hear one or two things. Ewen, the man at the desk with the issue said he saw "it" twice, and that "it" actually ate through a package of ketchup at his desk.

Boss came back to my desk and saw that I had rolled my chair away from my desk so I was in an open area. I have no idea what I looked like, but he looked at me and said, "Go home."

I packed up my crap and started toward the door. Ewen was cleaning out his drawer. I asked, "Was it IN the drawer?" Three blank stares looking back at me, and someone asked, "How do you want me to answer that?" OMG. In case you didn't get that; Holy Shit! It was IN his DESK DRAWER. Honestly, is any place safe? That's so frightening.

I asked my partner to come ASAP to pick me up. I went outside because I didn't want to stay in the building. I couldn't. It was a balmy -27C today. I started walking toward home and not long after my partner came for me.

I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the next few months. Tomorrow I'm going to sit on another floor. I can't be on the ground floor if I can help it. However, I do have a meeting tomorrow and Thursday from 9:30-1:00 on the ground floor.

It's been more than two hours since I left work and my chest is still tight and heavy. My boss said he has to tell everyone about keeping perishables in the fridge, but that's not going to make a difference. This sucks so bad. How is it that I've been with this company for 5 years and only now I'm having to deal with it?

When I got home I realized I had a candy in one drawer, and shoes in the other. I called my boss to ask him to throw away or eat the candy, and turn my shoes upside down so nothing will get in them. I hate this so much. :(