My friend Mady asked me when, if ever, I would be at the point where I could actually hear a story about mice or rats. I said that then was as good a time as any. He then proceeded to tell me about two mice that were caught at his house this year (a house where I had spent some time as recently as October). His story was about 20 minutes long, and we both noticed that my feet didn't leave the ground once. They always would before. :) He told me about one mouse who was caught in a trap and died and another that was caught but didn't die instantly, rather it died later. It was the first time, in my entire life, that I actually felt compassion for a mouse. I really felt somewhat sad that this mouse didn't die immediately.
After saying the words I moved on to seeing pictures of mice. I started with cartoon images, but now I'm looking at pictures of the real thing. I discovered that seeing the words in any location and in any form didn't cause any anxiety after the initial bit, but getting used to one image of a mouse didn't necessarily mean the next image would be no big deal. Once I realized that I started to change my phone's wallpaper more often. Let me show you my phone's wallpaper today!
I met with Megan yesterday and she was thrilled with how things were progressing. I showed her my iPhone's wallpaper and she was really happy with me. In fact, she said she needed to get some star stickers for her "superstar patients" like me! I felt quite proud, I must say.
Megan asked me if holding a mouse still felt like a 10 on the level of anxiety scale, and I said that it honestly felt more like a 6 now. She also asked if, when Ido feel anxious, it takes less time for the anxiety to go away. I said that when the mouse was first in my coworker Ewen's desk drawer that day I was literally still feeling chest pain 13 hours later. Recently I changed the picture on my phone's wallpaper from one mouse to another and I did feel anxious, but I honestly think I'm being generous when I say it lasted maybe 30 seconds. Now that's progress!
My friend told me today that there are signs at work that the mouse or mice are back. For a while there hadn't been any signs, but today there seems to be fresh mouse shit. I'm ok. Literally. I didn't go back to that area of the building, but it wasn't because I was avoiding it. I would have been okay to go, honestly.
So what's next for me? Seeing videos. Megan made a few suggestions. She doesn't want me to watch mass mice or rats, just watch a video with one. She doesn't want me to watch anything like Fear Factor which would sensationalize it. She suggested that when I was ready to watch mass rodents I could YouTube a video of a temple in India in which rats are worshiped. Michelle, my partner who has no phobias, watched it today and said she found it a little disturbing because it's just not something we're used to seeing. She thought it was pretty neat, though.
My next appointment with Megan isn't for a month. She is very pleased with how quickly I'm progressing. Go me!
